observance of bubbie's death

Eddie and His Mom, 2005

The funeral was this morning. Tears, cold. Detroit seemed like a tundra. Gray and snowy. Mist hanging in the air. Scarves and gloves and hats again.

Four shovels at the gravesite. As with many Jewish practices, it is the responsibility of the community to bury the dead. Each of us took a turn tossing dirt on Bubbie’s casket. The thud sends a chill down your spine. Continues to echo in your head throughout the day. First you place a tiny bit of soil on the back of the shovel to symbolize your reluctance to do the job. With the second and then third shovel-full, you turn it the right way and scoop up a heavy load fully acknowledging the death at hand. It’s hard to watch your children help bury their grandparent. The finality of that thud as they turn over their shovels and release the heavy soil breaks your heart because you know theirs is breaking, too.

At the conclusion of Passover on Tuesday, Eddie will begin the observance of Shiva. Shiva is customarily observed in the home of the deceased, so we will be at his mother’s house along with his brother. According to Jewish tradition and observance, for seven days Eddie will not go out of the house except to attend synagogue. He will not wear leather shoes (to keep him from feeling comfort), and he will sit on a low stool or a chair with the cushion removed (to match the low feeling of his heart and to remind him of the departure from normalcy). Family and friends will come by to console him and bring him meals. He will wear a garment torn over the heart to symbolize the tear in his heart and the separation from his parent. He will not work. All the mirrors in the house will be covered so that he will not be concerned with his personal appearance and to avoid seeing himself so sad. On the morning of the seventh day, he and his brother will “get up” from Shiva and walk around the block, symbolically representing their reentry into the community.

For thirty days Eddie will not shave or cut his hair. He will also avoid music and any sort of joyous celebration. He will not attend movies or the theatre. He will eat meals by himself or with close friends and family.

For eleven months he will go to services every day to recite the Kaddish prayer and to be with others from the Jewish community. He will not wear new clothes. He is supposed to concentrate on charitable and educational endeavors.

Now, this is a very traditional way of observing a death. Eddie was raised as a Conservative Jew. I come from a Reform background, so this is a learning experience for me. I don’t know a lot about these customs – just what I have read and what Eddie and his family shares with me. What I do know is that all of this is designed to protect, provide comfort in community, grant room for exploration and reflection, enable a profound connection with tradition and ensure that there is time for healing.